My Lucy... today it feels like there are too many switch backs on our path and that the summit might just be a cruel joke. I know that isn't true, but that is how it feels to take a giant leap forward with you, to see you settle into comfort, eat hungrily - happily - and watch you blossom in your babyhood and then witness you stumble and fall back into pain. A pain I can't seem to pull you out of. I'm so sorry. But we are still there. On the path with you, looking for a better route, catching glimpses of blue sky between the dark canopy.
But I don't want to talk about that anymore. I want to talk about just you. There is so much more to you than your struggle. And though there are fractures in my heart, so much more of it is full.
Your eyes, Lucy. I love your blue gaze and the wordless conversations we exchange in the wee hours. Your eyes tell me how much you love your sister, your sweet sister who is always reaching to touch you, bending to sniff you, begging to kiss you. You light up at the sight of her, your eyes always questioning, hoping her presence if you happen to hear her first.
And the days that you can hear better you tell us, in your sighing, lilting baby voice all about your favourite vowels. And we always want to hear more.
You are pure sweetness. You are maple syrup melting into hotcakes, melting us with every smile.
Your smile! I love your darling smile. I've never, in my life ever, used the word darling... until you came. And suddenly a darling is a sweet and precious thing. Who else can make me smile at 3:00 a.m. but a darling girl? Just you.
Every time I kiss your lips I try to hold it in my memory. I remember your sister's teeny rosebud lips, and yours, about to change so suddenly, so drastically I don't want to forget. I love your diamond kiss, a unique stamp on my heart.
You seem to me, a gentle little soul, so trusting in our hands, moving, when you are comfortable, so easily between us, however we shape your world. From the warmth of your clothes to the naked chill of the scale we weigh you on, you watch us wide eyed without a whimper. And slowly as your dad passes you into my arms as I reach for you from the bath, you take a quiet little breath when your toes tap the water. You lock me in your gaze as I dip your body into the new sensation, your eyes rounded with a delighted question. You don't resist the newness of your world, but you seem to find us and know we are with you... and move beautifully through it with our arms around you.
You, Lucy, are the sun and the moon in all of our hearts right now. You are the first word from our first breath each day. Your sister, your dad, me... we always find you first when we wake. We ask about you, touch you, pick up the conversation we last left you with.
There is more struggle right now than I would ever wish for you. I would demolish it for you if I could. And I write it all down so I can empty it from my heart and unburden the spaces that your spirit fills.
But you must know, Lucy, that although this path is rugged at the moment, you are the summit. And when I look into your eyes the view is very clear. We are loving you and loving you my girl.