I did it because it eased my grief of not being able to breastfeed her. I did it because every doctor we saw emphasized how medically important breast milk was for her. I did it because she had enough challenges, she needed the best food I could provide. I did it because I was blessed with a milk supply that made it possible. I did it because it helped me bond with her when I felt constantly interrupted. I did it because I could never do enough for her. I am still doing it.
My whole family has pumped for Lucy. Soleil has had to wait. Lucy has had to wait. Both have had to be out of arms when they would rather not. My husband has washed a lot of pumping equipment, organized and stored a lot of breast milk. We have lost a lot of sleep in this effort... and a little bit of sanity. I have TWO MONTHS worth of breast milk stored for her in our freezer. The new freezer we bought to store milk in. The freezer that is now full.
The highs and lows of four months of pumping:
The Saddest Pump
My first-ever pump... in a hospital room. Without my baby. Being attached to a plastic vacuum and being startled by the pain. Listening to the whir of the machine, that I would grow to hate, instead of my baby's eager efforts. The smell of sterile bedding and antiseptic instead of my baby's sweet perfume. The hormone high of giving birth seeping away with the tiny amounts of colostrum being pulled out of me. The distance between us, and the effort to not wish it were different, giving me a splitting headache. This is what a hole feels like, I thought, a hole in my heart that will never close. I sat and listened to the wind whistle through it.
The Most Hopeful Pump
My first pump at home. Lucy snuggled with her Dad, and Soleil and I went upstairs to pump together. She fetched me little items and I got attached. She brought books into the bed and snuggled up to me. I thought about how much I had missed her for the past week as I read her stories... And then I thought - we are doing it! We are totally doing this. It is happening. We are home, we are together, and I am managing to pump. We can do this.
The Frantic Pumps
The out of the house pumps. The diaper bag over one shoulder, pump over the other, baby in the carseat in one arm and Soleil holding the other hand kind of outings. Watching the clock and the minutes tick by as my breasts fill up and I know my pump schedule for the day has been ruined... My precious evening nap will be shortened. Whipping out my boobs in somebody's living room, and excuse me while I lubricate my nipples - hope you're cool with that! and pump and pump and pump for an eternal twenty minutes.
The Most Wretched Pump
In the hospital with a sick Lucy. Pumping in a crowded hospital hallway beside a large groaning man laying on a stretcher. Blood seeping through the bandage on his head. I didn't hear the nurse call to tell me Lucy was going for her X-ray, I would have stopped pumping and gone with her and her Dad. Suddenly, over all of the noise, hearing Lucy's panicked cry turn to screaming. Tearing off my pump attachments to bang on the door they wouldn't open until it was finished. Agony.
The Most Difficult Pump
I have written about here. Alone with both kids. A screaming, inconsolable Lucy. Pumping on my hands and knees while she rocks in her swing. My arm burning and knotting up as it swings back and forth, holding the soother she can not suck in her mouth. There have been a few of those.
The Funniest Pump
Only in hindsight. In the hospital with a sick Lucy, I needed to pump. I was shown a room with an entire wall made of glass that I could occupy for a short time. "No one on the outside can see through that glass." I was assured by the nurse as she closed the door. I sat in front of the glass wall and watched the pedestrians stroll by. I whipped off my top and went about the tedious routine. Plug in pump, attach pieces, whip out freaky looking but essential pumping bra. Lubricate the nipples. (Wow that sentence). Sigh and turn it on and wait. I was amused by all of the people looking at themselves in the "reflective glass". I didn't realize until a day later when I walked by that window that those people must have been really amused too... I think by "no one can see in" she meant, "that glass is totally just glass... transparent by nature."
The Loneliest Pump
They are all lonely. Pumping is lonely. I use the computer for distraction, but there is never a pump that I am not aware that the hideous, blessed, painful, essential, awful, wonderful, stupid fucking machine is not my baby. And I miss her. Every time.
The Most Frustrating Pumps
Every time I pump and I am aware that I could be sleeping instead... or playing with my daughters, or the ones where my pumping equipment doesn't work properly. If it were an option, pump equipment failures would result in a full blown adult tantrum.
The Most Enraging Pumps
Spilled milk. Enough said. It still happens from time to time. One time over four ounces directly into the bed I was about to fall into...
The Most Pleasant Pumps
It isn't pleasant. And I know I complain an awful lot about something no one is forcing me to do. But it doesn't feel like much of a choice. And despite my incessant complaining, the benefit (for both me and her) still outweighs the draw backs. HOWEVER, lots of things help make it more bearable: internet! phone calls! wonderful emails and messages to read! good books! yummy snacks! massive glasses of water! her smile!
Four months down... I don't know how many to go... every day I tell myself, just one more. Lets just pump for her one more time.
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ReplyDeleteMama........I couldn't have written this better myself. I understood every single emotion and every pump session is bang on. I remember that like it was yesterday and it was almost a decade ago. Your description and the break down of the different types of pumping sessions were so, so, so accurate. When we would be admitted into the hospital (8 months in total in that first year), I would go to the nurse's station to ask for a set of attachments to pump and they would always ask, "So how long do you plan to do that for?" and I would always say, "Oh, about 15 minutes." And then I would spin around on my heel and walk down the hall knowing full well that this was not what they meant. I always know that somehow I would know when I was done with the pumping. I pumped for eleven months and Meredith received breastmilk excclusively through her g-tube for the entire eleven months. The first 'food' to ever hit her gut was colostrum and then ebm after that. It was battle as many docs were suspicious and thought that perhaps her reflux was because she was allergic to my milk. I knew better. One day, I had her cradled in my lap as she arched back and forth, back and forth and I used my right arm to balance the "horns" on my breasts. I recall exactly where I was sitting when I decided that THAT was my last pump. I promptly chucked all of the attachments and within 24 hours I was digging them out of the garbage to pump one more time for the sake of relieving my very swollen breasts. LOL. That milk was thrown out, of course. You will know when it is your time. Until then, keep up the good work, mama. You can do it!! One "swish-swoosh-swish-swoosh" at a time.
ReplyDeleteI am reading this while pumping, and you are amazing!! It is tough but little Lucy is so blessed by your perseverance.
ReplyDeleteShana
You are an inspiration. Enough said.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, you can do it! I pumped for my twins for 12 months because they were born at 31 weeks and couldn't suck. They eventually came home on feeding tubes and all I could think was this is the best food for them. (Unfortunately I did have to add formula as well but they still were able to have half breast milk) I know how hard, lonely, and frustrating it is. But YOU CAN DO IT! Kelly
ReplyDeleteHigh five to you for sticking to it for so long. Pumping is difficult and you are so awesome for doing everything you can to give Lucy the best start at life.
ReplyDeleteSpilling expressed breast milk truly is a time to "cry over spilled milk"!! You are doing an amazing job. Great post. I hope you don't mind but I shared it on my facebook page. As a now former NICU nurse I have a number of FB friends who are parents of NICU grads and I know they could very likely relate to this post!
ReplyDeleteWow, your beautiful, lucky baby (lucky to have such a wonderful mama and family.) I just stumbled here and am very, very inspired and touched. Congradulations.
ReplyDeleteWell done - I pumped for a year for my prem babies. Nearly drove me mad. My girls are now 6 and I have gotten rid of ALL my baby stuff - except for that darn pump. For some reason I just can't part with it (must have bonded to it)!
ReplyDeleteWell done to you! Though your daughter is the reason you pump, the health benefits are amazing for you too. I had a premmie and breastfed her until she suffered major brain damage from meningitis. I then chose to pump to feed her through the NG tube as she lost her ability to suck. I was not supported by the hospital but continued to pump away, and at home too. It was the only way I felt I could truly help her. The loneliness of pumping was a big thing for me too, and spilling a bottle of EBM was more painful then spilling a rare expensive glass of red! Best wishes to you.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up. I know you can do it. It takes a lot of strong will and sacrifice, but it can be done. I pumped for 1 year for my little boy who could not suck. He was given a gtube at 4 weeks old, and I decided from day one that he would not miss out on the best milk in the world because of his condition. I began pumping to benefit him, but in hindsight it turned into something I did for myself as well. It was the only thing I felt I had the power to do help him. The same thing I despised doing at times, was the exact thing that I clung to desperately. When I hit my 1 year goal, I didn't want to let go. Eventually I did, and although I still look back with some sadness for what I missed out on (breastfeeding my son), I feel content that I did the next best thing for him. I read your post with tears of understanding. Wishing you all the best and thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOh, you're doing such an amazing, amazing thing. I found out when expressing for my heart-sick infant that my milk contained an enzyme that caused it to go sour shortly after being expressed...it required pasteurization to a certain temp. to prevent it. I only lasted a short time, with a one year old and a three year old to care for in addition to a newborn. I just couldn't manage the time it took to pump, sterilize equipment, heat my milk, etc. I hope you know how utterly fabulous you are to do this in spite of the pain the ass it can be, and how heartbreaking it is.
ReplyDeleteLucy looks absolutely amazing!! I can't believe how beautifully her lip has healed. She looks so happy and I can just imagine your joy.
I used to sit with my sister Julie (commented above!) when she'd pump for my niece; I was childless at the time and was constantly astounded by her perseverance, strength, and commitment to her child. I used to date the storage bags, then draw little hearts and happy faces all over them to add my love the milk expressed for my niece Meredith!
Thanks so much for sharing this poignant and beautiful post. You have such a gift for "expressing yourself" (heehee...pun intended).
Ahh, this brings back memories... I pumped for almost 6 months and it was hard to keep going - I also had twins born early. Thanks for reminding me what an accomplishment pumping is. Your little girl is adorable.
ReplyDeleteYou have taken the words out of heart and put them here. In tears reading. I am six weeks into my expressing journey and it has been tough. I don't have a goal, but I will definitely make one now. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling so well <3
ReplyDeleteYour blog is brilliant,we are one week off our little boys first cleft surgery and I just sat and sobbed through 'Goodbye Smile'. So beautifully written,thank you for sharing it. x